Today, I attended the funeral of a young friend’s father. It reminded me of an article I wrote for people, especially young adults, who did not grow up in a faith community. I still believe, after observing many of his young friends struggle with the songs and scripture, that this might be helpful. Please understand, this is primarily from a Southern US perspective.
Funeral and Memorial Guidelines that Will Help Someone Not Familiar with Church Culture.
While memorial or funeral services are less common than in the past, there are still some expectations for attendance when family members or close friends are honored. Culturally, we are not comfortable with the process of dying or even aging. Young people can be in their mid-twenties or later before they have any personal experience with the loss of a loved one. So, it stands to reason that what goes on at a funeral or memorial service is not within their wheelhouse.
I once helped perform the memorial service for a woman in their nineties. She had a large family, with several people under forty. As I looked around, I was aware of an uneasiness among many in attendance. It became clear that they were unsure about what to expect during the service, which made them anxious. Since uncertainty breeds anxiety, I decided that a small guide from someone who has been to many funerals might be helpful.
What is the difference between a Funeral, a memorial service, or a service of Celebration
A Funeral has a casket present at the service, with the deceased person being there.
Sometimes, they have the casket open for part of the time, while others keep it closed.
A Memorial Service is a time to celebrate the life of the person who has died without the person physically present. The person has often been cremated, so sometimes the ashes are at the front, but not necessarily. Several pictures are usually displayed at the front or around the space. There is a trend to use video footage or photos of the person being memorialized on a loop shown before the service begins.
A Graveside Service is performed at the cemetery, not in a church, community building, or funeral home. It is usually brief and smaller than other services.
A Celebration of Life can be either a funeral or a memorial service, but they want to avoid the somberness of either one by using celebratory language.
What should I wear? The first thing to remember is that what you wear is not nearly as important as the fact that you showed up. This is true for a memorial service and in 95% of life’s events. Your presence is a gift. Never doubt that.
When should I be there? Ten minutes early. It will confuse everyone.
If you are a family member, you usually line up with the family and march into the church as a group. This process may be intimidating for many young adults who want to slip in and out of church, so it’s good to know about this tradition before you arrive.
It is always good to have some tissues on hand. If you don’t need them, someone will
Suppose there is a casket, and you agree to be a pallbearer. In that case, there is a good chance you will need to pick up and carry the casket at some point, even if the funeral services have a carrier with rollers for most of the way; there are usually steps that the pallbearers have to pick up the casket and carry it.
Learn, or at least become familiar with, the Lord’s Prayer
Our Father who is in heaven,
Hallowed be Your name.
Your kingdom come.
You will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day [e]our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses (debts) as we forgive our trespassers (debtors).
And do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from [f]evil. [g][
For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen.
Depending on the church tradition, some say “Trespasses,” and others say “Debts.” Hold back until you hear which word they are using, then join in.
What if I am asked to read from the Bible or speak during the service?
The family will usually tell you what scripture to read. Be sure to read it over before the service so you can learn the rhythm of the verses.
Psalm 23 is frequently read at funerals; the congregation is asked to recite it occasionally. While it’s not recited as often as the Lord’s Prayer, it would be helpful to become familiar with it. You can find it in the Old Testament, near the middle of the Bible.
A Psalm of David.
23 The Lord is my shepherd,
I [a]shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside [b]quiet waters.
3 He restores my soul;
He guides me in the [c]paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk through the [d]valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no [e]evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You [f]have anointed my head with oil;
My cup overflows.
6 [g]Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will [h]dwell in the house of the Lord [i]forever.
Another familiar reading at a funeral is from the Gospel of John (which is in the New Testament). Take a Bible, divide it in half, and then split the second half in half again, and you will be close to the Gospel of John. Alternatively, there is a Table of Contents at the front of a Bible; it will tell you which page to find it.
Hymns chosen for the service are because they are significant to the person memorialized or their family members. In most churches today, hymns are projected onto screens at the front of the church, making them accessible to everyone. However, if there is no screen, you will want to use the hymnal, usually in a rack on the pew or chair in front of you. A Worship leader will tell the congregation the page number, which could be in the bulletin handed out as you enter.
If asked to speak during the service, please think about what you want to say before you arrive. You may be the world’s best “off-the-cuff” speaker, but being asked to share your thoughts at such an important event can be overwhelming. You don’t have to write out the whole thing, but it would be wise to do an outline or jot down some notes. It should be personal and heartfelt, but concise.
At the end of the funeral service, the family usually marches out in front of everyone again.
If you are holding up OK, see if an older person on your row needs help, and offer your arm.
Multiple things could happen at that point, but the pastor almost always gives instructions about the next activity at the end of the service.
Here are a couple of options that could happen:
The family may go to the cemetery for the graveside part of the service, or
There may be a meal served in the church fellowship hall.
This practice is not as common if the service is held at the funeral home, and has become less common even in a traditional service.
The graveside service is much shorter. There are usually not enough chairs for the entire family to sit on. The seats are for those in the nuclear family (The spouse, the deceased’s children, or special friends, and those who need to sit down because of age or other infirmities.)
The casket or urn is placed in the ground during this part of the service. Traditionally, several scriptures and a poem or song are read. The ceremony usually lasts about ten minutes. At the end, the pastor shakes hands with everyone seated, and then people begin to move around, speaking to one another. If the family arrives in a car provided by the funeral service, they return to the car, and they will return to the church or to a family member’s home.
A family meal following the service is culturally specific, but the family is considered a guest with no expectations to bring food to share. In the South, there is either food at the church or community, or church members bring a meal to the designated family members’ house, where they have gathered. This meal is often the last official event of a family funeral. Some will stay, but it is acceptable to leave.
At that point, the unofficial process of grieving begins. If no one else tells you, be patient with yourself and each other.
A wise person told me grief was like standing with your back to the ocean. Sometimes, the water gently laps around our ankles; when you least expect it, a wave will catch you by surprise and take you to your knees. The process of grief is different for everyone, but do not be afraid to seek someone to talk to about yours if you are struggling to move forward.
I hope you do not have to attend many funerals; they are rarely easy. However, if you need to go to one or any other service, I hope this overview is helpful. If you have any insights or anecdotes about Funerals from your experience, I would love to hear them.
The Many Thoughts of Wanda Kidd 
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