The Many Thoughts of Wanda Kidd

I believe that people with low self-esteem and painful pasts often attach themselves to individuals going through tough times, positioning themselves as their Savior. The issues within this dynamic are numerous and can harm both parties involved. It is especially dangerous if the person they are trying to save was not always in the situation they find themselves in at the moment. In another part of their lives, the victim has been nurtured and valued, and they possess acknowledged gifts and potential. They need healing, not saving.

Therefore, when the designated victim begins to improve and recognizes signs in their life indicating they are healing, the Savior becomes frustrated, angry, and feels the need to abandon the relationship because they believe you do not appreciate their efforts. After all, they were only trying to help at their own time, effort, and expense. The message to their core beliefs, however, is that once again, they are not enough.

They depend on the person they are trying to save to give their life purpose and meaning. Saviors often see relationships as a matter of power. They need to be the ones fixing things for others, ironically because, on a molecular level, they don’t believe that personal healing is possible for them. 

The abandonment does not happen quickly because the effort to save someone is layered, and the dissolution of the relationship happens on their terms. They must get something out of it for themselves, often at a high cost to the victim they were trying to save.

The “healing victim” is often unaware of the turmoil in the other person. You want to celebrate your healing with the person they believe wished to see you well, and are confused by the dismissive way the Savior treats your gains. They redouble their efforts to convince the person they thought was their partner that their efforts to help have been successful.

Unaware that their journey to wholeness is causing a separation in their relationship—because they built the foundation of their relationship on two floating bases—they hope for very different outcomes from the very beginning. One wants both to be as healthy as they can be, and the other wants to use the other to make themselves acceptable to themselves and others. “Oh, what a good man he is to love that woman who has so many issues.” “Isn’t she a saint to put up with his …Fill in the blank.”

As the pressure starts to mount between them, so does the blame and shame that the Savior directs toward the person they once professed to love and care for. Confusion and surprise become the questions: What happened to the person who stood by them when their life was falling apart, the one who was their advocate and champion? 

Now they’re isolating you from your group of friends. They explain how they’ve advocated for you, but the group just isn’t comfortable with you. It would be better if you prepared a dish for them to take to the gathering and made an excuse for not being able to come. Later, they start making excuses why they can’t go to gatherings that are important to you, such as work events, family gatherings, even things as important as weddings and funerals. 

Still, you defend your Savior because they were there for you when it felt like no one else was. You make up stories and hide the problems because there is a good chance that others saw the pattern long before you did, and you do not want to acknowledge the loss of hope and imagined reality. You cannot answer for yourself how this has gone so wrong, much less say it out loud, because if you say it out loud, you may have to do something, and it feels like you are right back where you were when you found each other—lost and alone.

If you’re lucky, the Savior will have filled their righteous cup with enough indignation and justification to turn their need to save someone else who has crossed their path. As devastating as it is, you are the lucky one. The Savior stripped you of your sense of dignity and self-worth once again. However, their pain has not touched the depths of their self-loathing, so it must lash out and leave a physical mark on both your body and your soul.

At first, they will beg for forgiveness in the most pitiful and remorseful tones, while assuring you that you haven’t told anyone about their behavior. After all this, one slip-up doesn’t erase the times they saved you from yourself and a life that no one else understood. By now, small glimpses of light have started to break through the isolation in which you find yourself. “How did I get here?” you will occasionally ask yourself, but because you, as a reasonable yet vulnerable person, understand that relationships go through rough patches.

At this point, the Savior is overwhelmed by his discontentment, and he either goes in one of two directions or, in some cases, both. He will become increasingly unwilling to engage. You expect too much, fail to accept them for who they are, and think you are better than they are when you both know you are not. Or they have already picked out the next person they are going to save, which allows them to walk away with a sense of purpose and righteousness, while at the same time, they make sure you are bereft and wondering what you did wrong. Some, however, will not leave until you are broken, and they are assured that no one else can save you. Either way, their needs are the ones that need meeting, not the ones they promised to heal for you.

It is a cycle for them, but it does not have to be for you. No one human can save you. It takes a desire to be well, a community that surrounds you on that journey, and over time, if it is what you want, a partner who will walk beside you. Sometimes that person is just as resistant to engaging as you are because they are hesitant to trust as much as you are. But when the barriers have broken down, they will not take your residual hurt personally and will recognize it for what it is. They will celebrate your accomplishments without diminishing or taking credit for them. You will discover that they appreciate your presence when they are experiencing pain, and they show up. They show up. Saviors assess the situation to see if it is advantageous for them to show up, but a partner simply shows up.

At some point in most of our lives, we want someone to save us. However, a single designated Savior almost always wants access to your personal power. They see it in you even when you don’t. In nearly every Rom/Com, there is someone who wants to save or be saved. Guard your personal power. Share it where it is helpful to you and others. Do not give it away to someone who wants to inflate theirs. Partner with someone who will share your power, not a Savior whose need is unquenchable. You are better than that.