The Many Thoughts of Wanda Kidd

In light of October being Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I have a few things to say. For forty years, my area of ministry was with teenagers and young adults. There were usually two strains of conversation with young women about being in abusive relationships. There were two main perspectives. One was “No man would touch me in anger more than once.” The other was “It really isn’t that bad. I know he loves me and he is always sorry.” Sometimes, during the time I was their youth or campus minister, I heard both statements from the same young woman. 

Domestic Violence is very complicated because it is a corruption of the trust, love, and intimacy that people long for. It also does not happen in a vacuum or all at once. It is a process. People look for an excuse to work out their anger and frustration. They use this opportunity to inflict the most significant pain and damage on people they have professed to care about.

I never met an abuser who felt good about themselves. Oh, probably not if you asked them or just listened to their banter. Some say the most absurd and braggadocios things about their plans and accomplishments. It does not matter how long ago they happened. They feel betrayed that no one ever credited them for them. It must be someone else’s fault.

That, however, is the extrovert abuser; the introverted abuser may be the most dangerous of all. Those same conversations mainly take place in their head. The victim is caught off guard when they erupt into violence. The abuser is often soft-spoken and shy-seeming, so others are more reluctant to believe the victim’s story. “That can’t really be true. He seems so nice.” The incongruity between their demeanor and their behavior is a stumbling block in believing what just happened really happened.

And then there is a culture that blames the victim, saying they must have done something to deserve it. It also excuses behavior by stating that is “just how some men are”. The victims hear excuses from the abuser, their own families, communities, and religious leaders, from Sunday school teachers, to the pulpit, and beyond. Even with all of the support. To walk away from domestic abuse in the world is an act of courage. It is inexplicable to the person who has never endured it. The challenge is made even more difficult by societal “gas lighting”.

As students sat in my office and told me bits and pieces of stories, I faced a dilemma. I watched couples interact in ways that looked unhealthy. It was hard to know how to approach concerns of physical abuse, or if I even should. First, I needed to build a relationship that allowed them to trust me. Even if they did trust me, I knew they would deny it for numerous reasons.

These barriers are just a sampling of the things a young woman experiencing Domestic Violence goes through. This is especially true as they transition away from home. They are removed from their family and societal systems that may have prevented or helped them negotiate such a crisis. They don’t know where to turn and feel very alone.

As I sat and listened to these students, I knew what they saw when they looked at me. I was a middle-aged woman, married and the mother of two school-aged children. I was a minister and worked for the institutional church. What did I know? If the moment felt appropriate during the conversation, I would strip away those things. Then, I would tell them.

1. They are often embarrassed by the situation.
2. They ironically feel they somehow caused it through their own actions.
3. Asking for help is going to be complicated within their friend group
4. Many will make excuses for the guy’s behavior. “Life is hard for him right now.”
5. “Asking for a friend”, they have sometimes approached a pastor. They ask about their opinion on physical and emotional abuse. They are often given mixed or contradicting answers with no clear path forward.
6. Young women are often afraid that a family member will take action against the abuser, making the situation even worse.
7. Many are terrified. The abuser threatened them about what would happen if they talked about the situation. They were also warned about the consequences of walking away.

When I was your age, I had a similar situation. Even though I was outgoing and felt strong, I fell for a soft-spoken, handsome, athletic young man. It did not take long to see signs that it was not a great relationship, yet I stayed. I thought I could help him. This reflects a common belief in the God-given strength and spiritual superiority many young women raised in the Southern Baptist church of that era felt.

Carefully, I told them my painful story that of domestic abuse. I explained that it did not happen all at once. Abusers start by isolating, then demeaning you and all you hold dear, before any physical abuse transpires. I laid out what it took to walk away, believing that my hopes and dreams were forever out of reach with that decision. I told them it was not easy. Lots of people had opinions, and some even cloaked them in distorted scripture. Jobs that had been offered were reneged on.

In an act of defiance, I chose to listen to what the church taught me as a child. I did not listen to how they wanted to control me as a woman. God is love. I am a beloved Child of God. God forgives. I did not believe that I would be punished my whole life for a decision I made at seventeen. If all of that was true, I owed it to myself. I also owed it to the person God created me to be. I needed to walk, run, and drive away.

It’s been fifty years, and there are still places in my soul that are tender to touch. It was not the type of story people want you to tell at youth revivals, or pretty much anywhere else. Most of the time, it was a lonely journey, but one that has been redeemed many times over. For every door that closed, someone else opened another one. Because those people lifted me and pushed me forward, my life changed. They gave me a new vision of hope.

I am not naive enough to believe that all victims will find a way out. That is especially true if children and finances make the choice seem insurmountable. Their fear is based on reality, and if they have no support system to help them, it is overwhelming.

However, preemptive measures should be taken with young women and young men. These measures will help them recognize their worth and strength. They should also be provided with exit strategies before they find themselves in such a situation. No one wants to think this could be their reality. Still, it is reported that between 30-40% of female college students have been in an abusive relationship or had an abusive dating experience. Campus counseling centers are overwhelmed. Most student-led ministry groups on campus have a conservative leaning. They do very little to empower women. We must talk to our daughter, granddaughters, nieces, and any other young women you know. Tell them you are there for them if and when they need our support. Cast a vision of hope and grace for them.

Tell our sons, grandsons, nephews, and neighbors to respect themselves and the women in their lives. If they feel inadequate and angry, they should talk to someone. They need to find creative ways to address those feelings. Encourage solutions that don’t involve demeaning or hurting others.

It has always been ironic to me that the most painful period of my life was a time I thought would stop me from being many things. This includes a minister to young people. However, this period is what made my ministry authentic, challenging, and relatable. You do not need to wear your story on a t-shirt. If you have discovered a way through your pain, and it is appropriate to share it with a young person, do so without fear. Share it confidently. Be brave and walk with them to a new place.